Beloved.

I have been in remembrance today of my past. Not in the whole, "dwell in the past" way, but in a way that I have become SO thankful, yet again, for being rescued. I was so lost, so dirty, felt so unwanted and unloved. Jesus whispered into my ear around this time seven years ago, saying, "My beloved, my daughter, I am here." I still remember the peace that ran through me; the overwhelming amount of love that I felt from my Heavenly Father was so new, yet so familiar. Such a sweet time in my life, and I have come so far since then!

Today, and for some time now, my soul has felt dry. Jesus I need you, yet you feel so far away. Why do I feel stuck, unable to hear you? 

Tonight, my Savior has spoken to me.

The moments I choose to spend with Him, I have two options. I can either give it to Him wholeheartedly, with vulnerability and realness, and without hiding what I am so afraid to let go of. Or, I can turn that moment into a fist and try to keep it to myself and make it about myself (Which I would end up failing at).

Jesus asks me to lay it out on the table every single time. Not just when I'm ready, but in every single moment I chose to spend with Him.
Beloved, I have searched you and know you.

Jesus, I pray that I am the real me every single time. Help me not conform to speaking prayers of phrases and catchy cliches, and speak prayers raw with the realities of life, tender with the realization of grace. Prayers with flesh and blood, like you did. I want so badly to be like you, Jesus. Jesus, the only way I can do that is if I let you break down the walls, and have you unpeel the masks that I keep putting back on.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2